Joshua Blakeway. Born sleeping on the 12th of March 2003

The hardest day of my life was the day Joshua was born



Missed every day by Daddy too




Missing Joshua are his Siblings.
Macauly, Paige,Thomas & Mathias















November the 5th, was an amazing day, the day I found that I was pregnant, my cheeks hurt I had smiled that much, a fantastic feeling, months of negative pregnancy tests, and now finally I am preganant, I was bouncing round the living room with excitment,  months passed had a few little problems but nothing really for concern, till reaching around 4 and a half months pregnant, this is when I realised that something was not quite right, no movements, I was not getting any bigger, infact I didnt even feel pregnant any more, the day for the 20 week scan was here, I was so nervous, I cryed in my bed telling my husband I didnt want to go to the hospital, something was wrong, I was convinced the baby had died.



Finally I got out of bed got ready and went to the hospital, we were called into the room for the scan, again I started crying i was so scared, I had already asked  my husband to nudge me if he saw a heart beat, seconds later he tapped my leg and smiled, what a releif I was so happy, I let out a massive sigh of relief, I turned and looked at the monitor, the picture was blurred, it didnt look like scans with my other children, I could barely make the baby out, I asked the midwife if I should have drunk more water, she brushed me off, instantly the horrible feeling was back, I felt sick, I started shaking she said "I need a doctor to come and look". "why, whats wrong" I asked. " I think there maybe something wrong with your babys kidneys" she said. the tears strolled down my face, This cant be right how can it be right, I turn to look at my husband his face was total shock. The midwife came back a few minutes later, "you need to come back in a few hours a doctor will speak to you then" she said, in total shock we went home,


 
my mum was clearing out our spare room ready for us to start doing the nursery I told her to stop and went to my room, thousand of thoughts rushing through my head, time passed so slowley, Millions of thought running through my head, just dis-belief, we returned to the hospital and was sent into a room, a doctor came in and explained we needed another scan, so thats what happened, after the scan we went back into the room, she sat down and told us that our babies kidneys were very large and bright, our baby had total renal faliure, the baby lungs have not developed, and his kidneys were not working, there was no fluid round the baby, and was rolled into a tight ball, this was the reason I had felt no movement. my husband and I just held each other shocked and totally devestated, the doctor started talking about a termination, we didnt want to hear that, 



another appointment was made for a few days later, we used these few days to write down many questions we had for her, friday came we went back to the hospital, questions we asked and answers were given, still it didnt sink it what we were being told, we went back a week later the doctor did another scan, "your baby is much worse" basically because there was no fluid the bag around him couldnt grow, he was just gettin tucked up more and more, she said that it was unlikely he would live to full term, just a 5% chance and would definatly live no more than 3 months if the pregnancy carried on, a doctor from the ICU was there and said the baby would be put on life support and dialisis, again we went home to discuss it further, we talked for hours, and new that the baby was now suffering and it was time to stop, it was selfish to carry on, knowing what was happening to the baby,



 we went to the hospital the following week, the doctor gave me a tablet, this was to end the hormones of the pregnacy and to tell my body that I was now full term and ready to deliver the baby, I put the tablet 2 my mouth swallowed then shocked at what I had done, we went home devestated both of us complete messes we sat for hours just holding eachother and trying to understand what was happening,



 2 days later we went back to hospital, I started labour at 12pm at 7:25pm I gave birth to a beautiful little boy who we named Joshua, he was so tiny, I said to the nurse "woman say as long as the baby has 10 fingers and 10 toes then I will be happy, yet my baby had everything and I am far from happy, he looked perfect from the outside, other than his skin was dark, but this was because he was so early. we held him for hours I cuddled him, sang to him, talked to him, told him about his brothers and sister, told him how much we loved him, he was dressed in a beautiful blue suit that we had been a brought him, with a little teddy bear that the midwife had given him, wrapped up in a blanket my aunt had made for him, 




our family came later that evening to see Josh, and the vicar came to bless him,
the next day was so hard giving my baby to the midwives and walking out that hospital empty handed, going home to see the crib in our room that we had already brought empty and would always be empty, clothes that he would never wear, teddy bears he would never hold, how is any of this right i kept asking my self. 








I would like to thank some people for the support, for us. mum, dad (my parent) you where great, Julie (anthony's sister) even tho grieving yourself you were there, Claire(my cousin) I dont know how I will ever thank you for the support you gave me even before the scan, you listen and knew I was feeling and you were just there. Paul (my brother) thank you so much having you close meant every thing